The Hard Is What Makes It Great. I will get right to it, unless there is some health reason preventing intimacy, there is no point whatsoever that two people in a relationship should not work hard at their marriage. Intimacy, caring, kindness, respect and mutual love for one another are essential to a healthy relationship. I am no expert on marriage, but a couple’s intimacy is the sharing and receiving of each other. Some people for an innumerable reasons, to many to mention; choose to withhold intimacy from the other partner. There is no surprise why the affected partner feels unattractive, undesired by the very person that they themselves desire and find attractive. All these feelings of rejection adversely contribute to feeling poorly about oneself.
Don’t Be Egotistical and Intolerant
The Hard Is What Makes It Great. You both got married for a reason, which is hopefully because you love one another. Well you have to work at a marriage for it to be successful. You don’t bail because it gets tough. What did Tom Hanks say in the movie “A League of Their Own”? The Hard is What Makes It Great. Its kind of true, that if you work hard at something and put in the effort to nurture it, the actual feeling of satisfaction is from the hanging in there and fighting for the right to stay married.
I would not give a plug nickel for a person who is an egotistical and petulant little shit who cannot look at themselves inwardly to realize that they might be intolerant and unreasonable. Most of marital problems are caused by “ego”, which is a dangerous thing. A big ego, that is unharnessed can destroy a marriage. Ego is about me, me, me, and I, I, I.
In an argument, often times, people are convinced that they are speaking the truth, when fact most of the delivery is garnered by the “ego”. Ego is comes into the light as a protection from our fear. Not many of us like facing or admitting to our fears. For both partners to make a marriage work they must overcome the fears from the past, present or even for the future. All that fear that we try to keep inside us, is just plain baggage. The ego keeps us treading water in a pool of fear. But to get past this, we need to control our ego, which is done by admitting our fears to our self and our partner. It takes a lot of guts to look your partner in the face and admit that you have fears. That is real growth.
Most marriages can work if people commit to control their intolerances, the ego and can admit the fears to one self and to your partner.
Article: How the ego destroys your relationship and marriage. (and how to fix it): https://medium.com/@divinemasculine/how-the-ego-destroys-your-relationship-marriage-and-how-to-fix-it-a4d6049cf51
Be Selfless, Kind and Positive
When is the last time, you did a kindness for your partner without expecting something in return. Maybe your partner likes those chocolate fudge brownies at the local shop. It might be inconvenient to walk or ride over there. But go pick some up and bring them home. The act of unsolicited, kind, and selfless doing shows that they matter to you. You want to add value to the relationship, then stick with being selfless, kind and positive. Once you do something for someone, don’t stand there expecting to get a reward of a cookie in return. You did it because they matter to you. Hopefully they reciprocate for you by bringing home those golden delicious apples, you enjoy.
Don’t Ask Why
Asking “WHY” in an argument is a recipe for a downward spiral. Don’t preface any sentence with the adverb “Why”. As children, we were wired to question WHY? You should avoid asking WHY at home, school, and at work because it places the other party on an automatic defense as if they are being judged. Upon hearing the word WHY it feels kike we are accused. It might be better to ask What motivated you to do this or that?
Finding Mutual Enjoyment
The Hard Is What Makes It Great. Each of you should respect one another. You do have separate lives. You may have separate hobbies a long with one or both working a job. You may have children and pets. But for goodness sakes, it costs nothing to be genuinely kind, considerate and affectionate to each other. I recently heard the excuse “when I was younger I was really into sex, but now that I am older, not so much”. So at age 35 your sexual drive has plummeted below sea level?
How about hugging, kissing, caressing or some act of physical kindness to make each other feel wanted and appreciated. You may engross yourself in a litany of activities, none of which is conducive to sharing time with one another. So inevitably there a drifting apart, which is contrary to the social purpose of marriage. At the end the day, you are tired, ready for bed. Is it to hard to reach over to give your spouse a warm affectionate hug and kiss. As for those separate activities, maybe you could select to watch a television series you both enjoy like Downton Abbey, which is an intriguing story of both the lives of a British Aristocracy Family and their Servants. You will learn a lot about people in the series and may be something more about yourself. Maybe Downton Abbey is not your thing, so instead select something you both will enjoy together.
Downton Abbey: https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/masterpiece/shows/downton-abbey/